For most of my life, I felt flawed. Whether from seeing other kids easily achieve things I struggled with, or through painful awareness of all my mistakes, I knew I needed something.
Usually I thought that meant food!
A chubby girl riddled with guilt, eventually I reasoned that more knowledge was the key to fixing myself. Armed with enough information, I would conquer my many shortcomings.
So I attended school, went to church and youth group, and tried to learn how to be “good”. I tried, often unsuccessfully, to follow the rules. But none of this equipped me to overcome my flaws. I saw myself as defective, and to change that belief, I needed more than education.
During most of that time I also swam competitively–from age six 
through my freshman year in college. Coaches taught me proper technique, and tried to push me harder.
However, despite their drills and motivational speeches, I never saw myself as a champion. And that defeated attitude resulted in a swimmer who never made an “A” time, rarely finished in first place, and only made it to the state meet because so few people swam the 500 yard freestyle! I realized coaching was not the answer to my inner struggle.
It must have been all that swimming that led to occasional ear infections. My mom took me to the doctor, who prescribed antibiotics. But drugs couldn’t immediately stop the pain.
That ache in my ear echoed the qualms of my heart. And while medicine eventually eased my ear aches, no prescription could relieve my gnawing sense of inadequacy .
Nothing I tried enabled me to “fix” myself.
I was stuck.
I needed more than a teacher, a coach, or a doctor.
Striving to be “good enough” is perhaps the most frustrating endeavor on Earth. Try as we might, we can never quite succeed. And comparing ourselves with others only makes matters worse.
My church friends had more confidence and peace than I did, and I knew they read their Bibles daily. But because I believed God was condemning rather than forgiving, most of what I gleaned from Scripture led only to guilt and hopelessness. That’s why I avoided my Bible and hoped God would look the other way.
It took many years before I got a revelation of salvation and finally started walking in freedom, peace and confidence.
Galatians 2:20 (ESV) explains,
I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.
I’d never realized that God made me a new person in Christ and that my old life had passed away (2 Corinthians 5:17). Once I began to understand this new identity, the more freedom I experienced. And accepting this truth enabled me to forgive myself.
Jesus didn’t make me better; He made me brand new!
And I love the “you” He’s made of you! 🙂 Thank you for teaching others how to feel “new”.
Kathy M.